The shave

In October 2016 the month of my diagnosis I did what everyone does with a new medical condition and googled everything I could about lichen planopilaris and alopecia. Whilst doing this stumbled across the alopecia uk website and began reading everything I could. After much consideration and family discussion I decided to along to the local support group. I emailed a lovely woman called Marie and told me to come along to the meeting with some reassuring words. The day of the meeting I was really nervous and put my wig on a normal to attend. When I arrived the meeting room was full of people chatting and drinking tea. I was welcomed from the start and instantly felt at home looking around at the people who were all in various stages of their own personal journeys. Some with bald, patchy hair loss, wearing wigs or headwear. I met some fabulous people and instantly felt at ease, I listened and conversed with others about my fears. The weight was lifted because I knew they understood the way others never would. I felt at peace almost like my sanity returned as my feelings were heard, recognised and healed. I attended every meeting over the next year and learnt some valuable lessons in acceptance.

I had never imagined having short hair. That’s for boys. I was looking in the bathroom mirror and my partner leaned in behind me. “Are you worried? “he asked, putting his arms around me. “I think it will be fine you will look great”. He placed his hands on my forehead and held back the remaining hair so it was as flat as he could to my scalp. On tilting my head back it looked as if I my hair had been shaved off and a shock feeling of reality swept over me. I’m going to have no hair and it’s going to look awful! On reflection I’m glad for the support and reality check I was given by my partner that morning as over the coming months I began to accept the little hair I had at the front of my scalp did not look right.

July 2017 I kept my usual appointment at my local salon for my ‘holiday nails ‘ and waxing. As you know all manor of things are discussed in a salon and my beautician, Zoe, regularly gets an insight into the ups and downs of my life. I told her about my hair loss and in the same sentence said ‘I think I need to shave it off’. It came from no where but the thought of going on holiday to Crete with a wig on top of all this patchy hair was making me sweat. Lucky to have have supportive friends I heard Sandra, the hairdresser shout across from the back room ‘you would look lovely, I could do it for you’. Before I left that day I had an appointment for my shave and a promise that she could do it in the privacy of another room if I wanted.

The day arrived and as usual I went to the salon in my favourite wig. I sat in the chair having decided to do it in the main salon area in front of everyone. I nervously removed my wig out in public for the first time. I took my cap off and pulled my plaits with my hands for the last time. ‘Are you okay?”she asked. I nodded unsure at first. She cut the first plait and as it fell to the floor another strange feeling occured. Not just acceptance but a sense and feeling of control being restored. As my hair fell and the shaver was turned it felt good to finally have taken control back from this condition and of myself. That day I couldn’t brave the clean shave I needed but I felt better mentally as I now controlled the way I looked once more.