The grief

I am only able to discuss this post today because of a revelation I had during my support group meeting yesterday. There is very much a rollercoaster of emotions that happen in anyone’s journey of hair loss. Each being very personal to that person with no right or wrong in terms of what you should feel and when. Speaking out about this now is because I can see how and why there are varying degrees of emotional stress with can lead to some people being depressed, or at its worst still suicidal. This condition can be cruel and I have seen and heard first hand how people can find themselves in a downward spiral leading to isolation, seclusion, and ultimately on a path of self destruction. With this in mind the awareness of alopecia is vital within the healthcare profession not just for the physical effects but also for the psychological effects the physical differences seen can cause of sufferers.

Having said all of the above I have always seen myself as someone with a strong and confident personality. I dont often feel like I cannot cope and I like to manage situations on my own. It’s only looking back on the condition now as it slowly presented itself I realise the changes in my mental health. It didn’t help that I also had another medical condition that was quite severe at the same time. Constantly hiding my hair and attending appointments for another medical problem was very tiring and mentally draining. It’s not always possible to remain positive and the daily grind of my job as a teacher really took its toll. My partner regularly used to comment on my mood and more noticeably my snappy intolerant attitude that had begun to emerge. A strange out of body experience would describe it as a total lack of patience to the slightest thing. To me I felt I had used up all my patience at work with the students and when I came home I just released all my pent up frustrations on those closest to me.

My temperament has changed since my diagnosis but I still have moments where I fly off the handle for minor reasons. My hair is part of me, it’s my identity. I was never a person who treated their hair as well as I should have. With Afro Caribbean hair it needs regular treatments and attention so I couldn’t help thinking this was my fault and I somehow deserved this. I never realised until yesterday at my support group that we are all suffering from grief. This became apparent as I looked at how broken one of the new members was and right then looking at her I saw myself a few years ago once when he said “it will never grow back” and again when my mother told me my grandmother had died. Two very different situations but grief nonetheless. Its personal loss of different magnitudes but there is always a constant reminder with hair loss. Its everyday, with every glance in the mirror or photograph of memories. So I take comfort in music on occasion and in the words of India Arie “I am not my hair, I am not your expectations “.